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Sunday, 18 August 2013

And I'm Back!

Hello there!

Sorry for the lack of posts, seems I didn't do too great at my initial attempts at weight loss.  Mainly, I think, because I ended up with painful shin splints (due to previous drunken injuries) after the first few sessions of trying to do couch to 5k which in turn lead me to just be lazy.

But I'm back now.  A lot of things have changed since January.  I have quit my job, relocated 260 miles,  moved in with my dad and split up with my boyfriend.  The plan was to give myself time to think about what I really want from life and rediscover the person I liked being, because in all honesty, I wasn't loving the lazy, boring, dependent girl I had allowed myself to become.

It isn't quite going to plan: Move home, realise what I want to be doing, move to London for the job of my dreams, lose loads of weight and get out of the 'very obese' category, meet the love of my life, settle down, be married, have kids, work for myself.  BE HAPPY ...

It's more like: Move home, work out the job of my dreams, apply for endless amounts of positions as an intern at a talent agency/ agent assistant, be too depressed to move from my room most days.  NOT GOOD. :/

I have accomplished some things in the 3 months between moving home and now.  On June 16th I completed my first 5K Race for Life, although I did walk over half I was proud of myself for the amount I did manage to push myself to run, and with some encouragement from my older sister for the final km (she had finished and jogged with me when I was really struggling to finish) I actually managed to sprint the final section to the finish line.  However,  I greatly underestimated the distance left to go when I decided to start the sprint section of my journey, and by the time I was around 20m from the finish I thought I was either going to be sick or pass out.  I remember thinking to myself though, I can't stop this close to the finish, I'll be sick or pass out on it but I won't be stopping to give in to the screaming pain in my legs and lungs.  I wasn't sick, I didn't pass out and I finished in 44mins, along with people that had walked the whole way with their children.  But, now I have a time to beat for next year and feel pride in the fact that I didn't give up as soon as I found it a bit harder.  I think watching so many episodes of the Biggest Loser has taught me 'if you start something, you have to finish it no matter how long it may take.'

Also, despite my room based depression, I have managed to lose 9lb without really trying, simply by letting my Dad (who is getting on a bit and tends to eat small portions) serve up my dinners.  No more cooking a big dinner with the boyfriend, eating the whole thing which could probably have fed a family of four, and later eating a whole pack of biscuits or pringles has really helped. I didn't realise how much influence these smaller portions had been influencing my everyday eating decisions until about a week ago when my brother asked me for a lift to the kebab shop.

Normally, I would have seen a trip to the kebab shop as my opportunity for chicken kebab and cheesy chips.  It didn't matter if I had already had dinner or not, I have a real weakness for takeaway food!!  But I realised, I wasn;t hungry, I'd had my dinner 2 hour before and I actually wasn't fussed by the thought of the extra food, if anything, it made me feel a bit sick to think of trying to eat that whole meal. I had come to a realisation that I actually felt much better when I wasn't so full of food that all I wanted to do was sleep. So I skipped it and just waited in the car for him to purchase his meal.

3 days later, August 10th, my sister came to visit.  She suggested I come with her for a short morning jog.  Now, she's one of those people who runs often, is pretty slim and can run pretty far without stopping, but, she gets me and as long as I am trying my best she is happy enough with that, but she knows when, and how to push me to test my endurance.  So, off we went, and considering I hadn't been for a proper jog since June 16th (apart from a blip on July 1st when I was so upset I needed to run or punch something) I actually did pretty well.  I ran further than I ever thought I would be able to. From my Dads house I used to only be able to get round the corner before I would have to stop, but on this particular occasion I jogged non-stop round the corner, past the vets and to the park, a total of 0.3miles, but its about 0.25miles further than I'd ever managed before! Another small achievement in the midst of this destructive hopelessness that had become my life since giving everything up and getting nowhere.

But, those two events, sparked something in me.  The fire is lit now and I feel like there is no stopping me this time.  I have never felt like this before about my weight loss, it was always a conscious decision before to lose weight based upon worrying what people might think of me, or a comment someone had said, or feeling like I had to lose weight for a wedding etc... It had never before come from the belief that I really CAN do this, from the realisation that by already losing 9lb I had begun the journey very slowly months ago, and that 9lb had already made my journey easier.  Imagine how much easier my fitness regime will be after the next 9lb is gone.  For the first time in my life I actually believe I will do this and I will do it well.  Which is strange because it's been quite a while since a negative comment about my weight has been made, and my depression made me feel like I'd always be this way.  They do say that with weight loss there will be a time that is right for you to finally do it, and for me, it is now!

So, like all good intentions, they get ruined by external forces, and I was ill from Sunday to Thursday of my first week, meaning I literally stayed in bed all day watching TV. Not good, but by Thursday I was sick of not doing anything, I actually felt guilty for not being able to do any exercise, I had let myself down which wasn't nice.  In truth, I think it was the first time I truly felt I had let myself down.  Even when I got an E in my Maths A-level, as rubbish as that sounds, I had tried my best so I hadn't dissapointed myself.  So, on Thursday I dragged my ass out of bed and I went jogging, and I felt iller for it when I got back, but it was the first step in overcoming being sad and lazy.  Then Friday, I felt a bit better so I went again and jogged that bit further.  Then the shin splints returned.  This was the downfall issue of my last halfhearted attempt.  It's not stopping me this time though!! Saturday I was going to rest my legs, but I felt guilty for not doing something and I actually felt like I needed to do some exercise for my own mental health, so I took my dog and we went for a power walk.  It needed to be longer than the run to burn as many calories, but it's not so much stress on my shins from impacting the ground.  So, today (Sunday 18th) we went again for slightly longer than yesterday.

So, here I am, having done 4 days exercise in a row and feeling so much better in myself for it.  I already feel like I can actually accomplish this and anything else I set my mind to.  I never in a million years thought that a bit of exercise would have this effect on me!

I hope you're all caught up now, after this veeery long post! I hope to update you as often as I can.  If I don't update for weeks/months on end, feel free to assume I have been distracted my cake again and am allowing myself to give up yet again.  I really do hope that this is the time I manage to overcome my ridiculous obsession with food and can finally reach the end goal of being a healthy, sexy & sassy British female. It's going to be a long journey, after all I have nearly 50% of my body weight to lose, but hopefully the journey will be worthwhile and the end will be immense!

Current weight: 16 stone 0lb (224lb/101.6kg)      Current BMI:     38.43

Goal Weight:     8 stone 10lb (122lb/55.3kg)        Left to lose:       7 stone 4lb (104lb)

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